Alexandra Solomon on Modern Love & Evolving Attachment Styles

The quiet hum of the cafe barely registered as Dr. Solomon settled into her chair, her gaze both focused and empathetic. She spoke with a measured cadence, occasionally pausing to choose precisely the right word, as if curating the emotional landscape of her ideas in real-time. It was clear this wasn’t just academic for her; it was a deeply felt inquiry into the human condition.

“Attachment theory, at its core, isn’t just about how we connect; it’s about how we regulate,” she began, leaning forward slightly, her hands clasped. “It’s how we manage distress, how we soothe ourselves, and how we seek comfort from others. And what we’re seeing now, in this hyper-connected, yet paradoxically isolating, digital world, is a profound evolution in how those regulatory systems are being engaged.”

She observed that the very mechanisms designed to foster connection—the dating apps, the instant messaging, the curated online profiles—often inadvertently trigger our deepest attachment insecurities. Take, for instance, the phenomenon of “ghosting.” “When someone vanishes without a trace, it’s not just rude; it’s an attack on our secure attachment system,” Solomon elaborated. “It leaves the other person with an ambiguous loss, a story without an ending. And humans crave narrative closure, especially when it comes to relational matters. Without it, the mind fills the void with anxiety, self-blame, and a heightened sense of insecurity. It makes us wonder, ‘Am I worthy of a response? Am I worthy of a clear goodbye?'”

This lack of closure, she argued, reinforces anxious attachment patterns. Individuals who already worry about abandonment can find their fears amplified by the capriciousness of app-based dating. Conversely, those with avoidant tendencies might find the low-stakes, high-volume environment of online dating to be a convenient shield, allowing them to engage just enough to feel connected without truly investing, and to disappear just as easily when intimacy looms. “The digital landscape offers a perfect storm for these patterns to perpetuate,” Solomon noted, “reinforcing the very behaviors that prevent healthy, secure bonds from forming.”

She brought up the concept of “choice overload,” a phenomenon frequently discussed in consumer psychology, but equally relevant, she asserted, in dating. “When you’re presented with thousands of potential partners, it can paralyze you,” she explained. “It creates a fear of missing out, or FOMO, but in dating, it’s more like a FOGO—Fear Of Greater Options. You’re constantly wondering if the next swipe might reveal someone ‘better,’ preventing you from investing deeply in the person in front of you.” This constant evaluation, she explained, keeps us in a state of perpetual activation, unable to drop into the relaxed, authentic state necessary for genuine connection.

We discussed the “situationship” – that amorphous, ill-defined space between friendship and relationship. “It’s a symptom of attachment anxiety, often on both sides,” Solomon posited. “One person is likely waiting for clarity, afraid to push for it and scare the other away. The other is enjoying the benefits of intimacy without the vulnerability or responsibility of commitment, perhaps driven by an avoidant fear of engulfment.” Her voice softened as she recounted a composite story: “I remember a client who spent almost a year in a ‘situationship.’ Every time she’d try to define it, he’d pull back. And every time he pulled back, her anxiety would surge, making her cling even harder. It was a vicious cycle, fueled by unspoken fears and unaddressed attachment wounds.” This, she stressed, is where self-awareness becomes paramount. Understanding your own attachment style, and recognizing the patterns it creates, is the first step toward breaking free from these frustrating loops.

“The work isn’t about changing who you are, but understanding how you relate,” she emphasized. “If you tend towards anxiety, how can you practice self-soothing instead of seeking external reassurance? If you lean avoidant, how can you stretch your capacity for closeness, even when it feels uncomfortable? It’s about building a more secure sense of self, so you can bring that security into your relationships.” She pointed to research by Dr. Sue Johnson on Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), which highlights the innate human need for secure attachment and how cycles of distress can be broken by understanding the underlying fears driving partners’ behaviors.

One of the most profound shifts Solomon highlighted was the increasing demand for “pre-work” in relationships. “People are coming into relationships now with an expectation that their partner should already be emotionally fluent, healed from past traumas, and fully self-actualized,” she observed, a hint of wry humor in her voice. “While self-awareness is fantastic, we’ve swung so far that we’re forgetting relationships are where we grow, where we heal, where we practice being human with another human. You don’t arrive fully formed; you evolve together.” This demand for a “perfect” partner, she argued, is another manifestation of choice overload and an unrealistic expectation born from curated online personas.

Our conversation circled back to the silent, invisible ways technology shapes our emotional lives. The instant validation of likes, the constant accessibility, the performative aspects of online dating—all contribute to a sense of anxiety that bleeds into real-world interactions. The reflective silence that followed her words hung heavy, like a collective sigh from every person who’s ever over-analyzed a text.